Exciting email!

Last night I got an email from Vanessa, our ivf coordinator at ohsu, saying that she was waiting for Dr.P to answer a question and then she would be getting the rough draft of our plan together and sent to me. I anxiously waited all day and checked my email a gazillion times.

Finally, tonight I saw the message come in from Vanessa. So far all the FDA screening and bloodwork has come back good. What does that mean?! That means I start more meds and will be having my egg retrieval around the 13th of January!!!!!!! I got to that part in the email and tears filled my eyes! Even better.. The next part of the email.. Transfer will be around the 20th!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!!! I have been holding it back and trying to not get my hopes up but ...they're officially UP!!!

I've also been going back and forth with our attorney today and have finished our contract! I received the final draft this afternoon....thank goodness! Now we just have to get Holly to an attorney to review it all and we will be good to go!!

This all the sudden feels a ton more real!!

Butterflies and Rainbows...HA

Lately, I've been feeling the side effects of all the stress that goes into this whole journey. I feel a little selfish even saying that. People are always telling me to think positive.

The reality...after 5 1/2 years of failure & heart break month after month.. Being positive is easier said then done. I am positive that it is one of those things that you just don't understand unless you've been through it. When you are the one sitting back, fighting your body with everything you have to try and carry a baby, that same day you see that dreaded -negative- on your pregnancy test. In the same month you can read about multiple people being pregnant. Some on their 2nd or 3rd child, some that were frustrated because they tried for 3 "long" months and other lucky individuals that get preggo the first month they started trying. If one only knew what I would give to be one of those scenarios.

 Instead, I've sat back and spent countless hours in doctors offices, had countless amount of tests & procedures done, taken pills, given myself shots...all with no good outcome. I've been having some serious anxiety ever since I saw this come out of our bank account...

Yep, you read that correct. It's a harsh reality and honestly, scares the shit out of me! Yea, it's just money. But, that's a LOT of money. This isn't like putting a down payment on a house or a car where you KNOW you'll be getting whatever it is you just spent $23k on.  That's money that we don't get back if this all doesn't work. And, like I was explaining in another post, that's not even close to all of it!!! That lovely number...yea, it is what is creating the acne I currently have going on. It's acne that a damn 15 year old should have...not someone that is  in her mid 20's! The anxiety and the weight gain that this stress is causing is beyond frustrating, The lack of sleep I get every.single.night because my mind is constantly running a million miles each way..thinking about all the "what ifs"..it sucks!!!

Nothing makes my blood boil more then reading or hearing about people complaining about clothing being to small or being so tired all the time, etc. I get it, I fully understand that pregnancy is not a wonderful thing ALL the time. I often wonder if the ladies that are doing the complaining realize how many people would do almost anything to be in their shoes. I know I would!!!! I would GLADLY take morning sickness, more stretch marks, being exhausted and clothing not fitting...just to have a baby!!!

Think about it and be glad that you were blessed with a body that is able to carry your little miracles!!






Ps: yes, this is a jumbled up rant. Deal with it!

Busy!

Ahh so much has happened this week. I was at ohsu 3 different times in 4 days. On Tuesday Holly had her mock cycle testing after being on Estrace for 2 weeks. All went great at that appointment. They checked the lining of her uterus and all was good, after that was done they went on with the mock cycle, inserting the catheter to make sure all was ok for when we do the transfer. This is a picture of her uterus with the catheter inserted.

 After that they used saline to blow the uterus up to check for any abnormalities.

All was clear and the doctor said everything looked great. Holly had FDA screening/blood work done as well but that won't be back for a week or 2. She also went on Thursday for her psychological evaluation. All went well with that as well and we found out she's not legally a crazy lady! (-:

On Thursday I went in for my FDA screening, physical & questionnaire, ultrasound and bloodwork. My brother also had an appointment to get his FDA bloodwork done as well. My appointment started soooo incredibly awkward! So as the nurse was walking me to the room, I saw a guy at the end of the hall that looked familiar but I figured I had just seen him there at ohsu. So I'm waiting for the doctor to come in and next thing I know here comes the doctor...the same man I saw down the hall. It then hit me where I knew him from. He's a customer that comes out to my parents tree farm every year..and has for years. I remember his children being small and they're now teenagers! So as he walks in the room I couldn't hold it back and blurted out " well, this is awkward!" Lol! He then realized who I was and went on to assure me that everything was professional and confidential, obviously. Dr.L is super nice though. After all that was done I had to have blood drawn, ha! What an show that was. After 35 minutes and 11 pokes, they finally got their 7 viles of blood from me. Sheesh! The best part was when I was sitting there in between nurses trying to get my blood, randy walked in. He sat down and was going to have his blood drawn and happened to tell the nurse that he's know to pass out, they immediately took him to another room where he was able to lay down while getting his blood taken.Sure enough he also had no blood that wanted to be taken and had to have 6 pokes! We caused quite the commotion! Check out all my blood..

On Friday it was Erik's turn to head on in. He had to have the FDA bloodwork, questionnaire and physical. All went well with him and no problems.

Appointments, appointments and then some

It seems like every week there are new things coming up, more appointments being made and more money to be spent. It's all getting to be really stressful for me. It's always on my mind, I have a gazillion things constantly on my mind as of lately. Currently, I am trying to keep my excitement on the side line. I know a little part of me is letting the excitement slip out but for the most part I am trying to keep it on the sideline.

After today keeping my excitement on the sidelines is a bit harder. Holly is now to the point in her cycle that she can start the mock cycle. Tomorrow She starts on a pill called Estrace, which helps thicken her lining. She will take these pills for about 2 weeks and then will go in on the 6th to have her lining checked, a saline sonogram of her uterus done and blood for the FDA screenings. Then, on the 8th Holly will go in for her psych test. So, right now Miss Holly is scheduled out for the 30th of October with the MFM doc, the 6th with Dr.P and then 8th with the psychologist. Along with all these appointments, myself, my hubby and my brother all have to also get out FDA screenings done. Mine is scheduled for the 8th and hopefully Randy can go in with me at the same time to get his out of the way along with Erik too. At first it was weird to me that we all needed to do the screening but since Holly is my brothers wife, it makes sense that all partners need to be screened.

Earlier today I was sitting and calculating everything that goes into this whole process. I just don't understand how any of these places can even feel right about the amounts that they charge. It truly is outrageous! Just an initial 35 minute appointment with Dr.P is $450. That's all out of pocket because lovely health insurance doesn't cover ANYTHING before the GC is preggo. I was reading something the other day that said your average cost ivf with a GC can run upwards of 40 thousand dollars!! Although I could never put a price on a child...it is a bit insane! And, to think that going through an agency is upwards of 80k! Hard to believe that the only thing more an agency would have done for us is finding us a GC. So 40-ish more thousand dollars just to find us a match. What.the.hell! So glad to have a willing family member help us make our dreams come true.... lord knows 80k is not in our budget. Lets just hope that all the meds work well and on the first try! For the both of us the doc estimates those suckers to be about 10 thousand dollars!! Ugh!

With that being said, I think I'm gona have a car wash to raise money. I'll make signs... "Donate to the WE WANT A BABY FUND & THIS INFERTILE WOMAN WILL WASH YOUR CAR!!!" Lol!!!! KIDDING!

Stepping stones..

Well, another step down, a bunch more to go. On Tuesday my little GC and I went to her first appt with Dr.P at OHSU. All went well with him and then we were off to meet with Vanessa, our IVF coordinator. I absolutely adore that woman! She is the perfect person to be doing the job she does. She has such a bubbly personality and always seems to be very positive and alwayyyys helpful. While we were there Vanessa put in the referral for Holly(our GC) to go see the maternal fetal medicine doctor. This is another step in the process that has to be checked off before we can call Holly our official Gestational Carrier. Realistically, the MFM doc has no reason not to give Holly the OK. She's young, healthy and had a great previous pregnancy. That appt will be October 30th. Cross your fingers all goes well and we are in the clear to continue.

While meeting with Vanessa I asked what she thought about a possible transfer time line, assuming all goes well. At this point it's looking like a transfer could happen around the middle of January. January seems like its forever away. The holidays are almost here, I can only hope that makes time fly by and January will be here before I know. Adios 2012..hello 2013!!  Fingers crossed that my body responds well to all these medications and that estimated time can actually happen!!!

The next step, along with the MFM doctor, is for Holly to have her psychological evaluation/test done. I've heard it's a pretty intense evaluation but I am sure she will pass with flying colors. (: That appt will be scheduled soon and I can't wait to be checking that appt off the list.

I think that's about all I have to update on for now. (-:

October 15th..

1. 
   

   

   
   

   
   I am wearing a pair of shoes, They are ugly shoes, Uncomfortable shoes, I hate my shoes.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had a different pair....

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Some days my shoes hurt so bad I don`t think I can take another step. Yet I continue to wear them.

   
   

   
   

   I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

   
   

   To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable....

   
   

   
   

   
   

   To truly understand these shoes you need to have walked in them yourself,

   
   

   
   

   
   

   But once you put them on, you can never take them off.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

   
   

   Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

   
   

   Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think how much it hurts.

   
   

   NO woman deserves to wear these shoes.

   
   

   Yet because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

   
   

   These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

   
   

   They have made me who I am today,

   
   

   
   

   I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

   
   

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   
   

My newest tattoo... This is how I remember my loss.

A glimmer of hope

I haven't updated this in a few weeks and figured it was time. I've had a secret up my sleeve and have kept it quite for a while now. After this last week I decided to let the cat out of the bag. If you've been following this roller coaster ride you know we've been on the hunt for another gestational carrier. After a ton of debating on which way to go in our search I think we've found a great option.

My little brother and sister in law got married a few weeks ago and right after the wedding my sister in law and I were talking about this whole process and how it all happens. Knowing that our former surrogate decided to not continue my sister in law threw out that she was more then willing to do it and has said it before that if I ever needed a surrogate that she would be my carrier. At first I really was not interested. All I could think about was the tension it would cause between my brother and I. I feel like my brother and I have come a long ways over the last year or so and don't want to mess that up. After talking to my brother more about all this I realized he was all in and understood what all of this meant. I sent my sister in law a quick text telling her and randy to really think about it, ask questions and do some research. A few days later she let me know that she still wants to do it, she wants to be my baby oven!!! Sooo exciting! We had them over to our house last weekend so we could all talk and answer any questions either of them might have had. We had a blast! Went fishing in the mountains and enjoyed the sunny weather in downtown walla walla.

So, as of right now, it's pretty well official that my sissy, Holly, will be carrying our baby!!!!!!!! Next week on the 16th her and I will head into OHSU for her to have the initial consultation with Dr.P and we will go from there!

I'm crossing my fingers that we are back on the positive road and will soon see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Bring on the shots, right Holly?!? Lol...