Butterflies and Rainbows...HA

Lately, I've been feeling the side effects of all the stress that goes into this whole journey. I feel a little selfish even saying that. People are always telling me to think positive.

The reality...after 5 1/2 years of failure & heart break month after month.. Being positive is easier said then done. I am positive that it is one of those things that you just don't understand unless you've been through it. When you are the one sitting back, fighting your body with everything you have to try and carry a baby, that same day you see that dreaded -negative- on your pregnancy test. In the same month you can read about multiple people being pregnant. Some on their 2nd or 3rd child, some that were frustrated because they tried for 3 "long" months and other lucky individuals that get preggo the first month they started trying. If one only knew what I would give to be one of those scenarios.

 Instead, I've sat back and spent countless hours in doctors offices, had countless amount of tests & procedures done, taken pills, given myself shots...all with no good outcome. I've been having some serious anxiety ever since I saw this come out of our bank account...

Yep, you read that correct. It's a harsh reality and honestly, scares the shit out of me! Yea, it's just money. But, that's a LOT of money. This isn't like putting a down payment on a house or a car where you KNOW you'll be getting whatever it is you just spent $23k on.  That's money that we don't get back if this all doesn't work. And, like I was explaining in another post, that's not even close to all of it!!! That lovely number...yea, it is what is creating the acne I currently have going on. It's acne that a damn 15 year old should have...not someone that is  in her mid 20's! The anxiety and the weight gain that this stress is causing is beyond frustrating, The lack of sleep I get every.single.night because my mind is constantly running a million miles each way..thinking about all the "what ifs"..it sucks!!!

Nothing makes my blood boil more then reading or hearing about people complaining about clothing being to small or being so tired all the time, etc. I get it, I fully understand that pregnancy is not a wonderful thing ALL the time. I often wonder if the ladies that are doing the complaining realize how many people would do almost anything to be in their shoes. I know I would!!!! I would GLADLY take morning sickness, more stretch marks, being exhausted and clothing not fitting...just to have a baby!!!

Think about it and be glad that you were blessed with a body that is able to carry your little miracles!!






Ps: yes, this is a jumbled up rant. Deal with it!