As many of you know we had our ultrasound a few days ago.
Here is what we saw.
Yep, 1 teeny tiny beating heart!
At 6 weeks 3 days along Baby L was growing well & had a heartbeat of
124 bpm!
This is all still so surreal for me. I know I keep saying that, but it really is the truth. I feel like its a dream that I haven't yet woken up from. It's just so hard to wrap my head around this after we spent so many years trying, the never ending bad news with the heartbreak that was month after month. I am excited for this experience and I can't wait to hold our baby but at the same time, my guard is still up. I can't let it down yet as I am protecting my heart as much as I can. As another fellow blogger said about her new pregnancy..we are unattched and I think that explains my feelings perfectly. As time continues, I am finding it harder to not be unattached, which isn't a bad thing but that feeling of being worried will always be in my head. It really is something that I don't think anyone can really explain or understand unless you've been through it.
The ultrasound was so cool and getting to hear the heartbeat was amazing! The doctor at ohsu told us that if we couldn't get into our new OB between 8 & 9 weeks along that we could come back to ohsu for another ultrasound. So, we will get to go back on the 12th (8 weeks 3 days)for another peek at our baby and then the 25th we will get to meet our OB for the first time and hopefully get another look at our growing baby!
I always cringe and attempt to bite my tongue when I hear or read about people that say pregnancy is nothing but hell. I swear I've been seeing this more and more recently and it's DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! I don't think those women ever fully grasp how lucky they really are. I've written about this before and I fully understand that not all women have great pregnancies and by all means they deserve to complain...but every day? It honestly offends me. It offends me because that woman is growing a baby, for some woman it's a baby they don't even want or a baby that they won't take care of the way it deserves to be taken care of. To know that there are sooo many women that would give their everything to be able to experience pregnancy, childbirth and being a mother but won't ever get that ...is frustrating. Sure, I'm on my way to finally being able to experience motherhood. But, I won't get to experience a live pregnancy or live childbirth within my own body. I've gotten to see the other side of it all. The dark side. I got to experience the pain of childbirth but instead, it was heartbreaking and traumatizing and more then words will ever be able to explain. I didn't get to go home with a baby, I don't get the joys of watching my first born take the first steps or say the first words. It changed me and it changed who I am today and I am ok with that, finally.
There are people out there that seem to think they are infertile because they might have a small thing wrong with their body. They can stress about it and and talk about it like its the end of the world for them yet when they are ready to start trying, pregnancy came easy. It must be nice! Real nice! Then you have women who are trying and have been trying for years but the only answers doctors can give them is that it's unexplained infertility. As much as I hate my infertility, I am thankful I know why I can't carry a baby.
At the end of the day this is my life and these are the cards I've been dealt. I sometimes wonder where Erik and I would be today if it wasn't for this infertility. What would we be doing?
I do know that all of these trials have made me a stronger person. And, I know that when our baby finally gets here we will love that little person with all we've got until the end of time!
Baby Lind,
right now you are 6 weeks and 6 days along(almost 7 weeks! woohoo!) and growing great in your Aunt Holly's belly. This week you are about the size of a blueberry and are 10,000 times bigger then you were when you first started growing! You're currently making Aunt Holly a very tired lady, especially when she has to chase your crazy cousin around! Every once in a while you make her bit nauseous too! Mommy thinks that's great though because it means your growing big and strong. Keep growing little one!
Hold on one second while I put my glasses down for this because I already know there will be an ever flowing amount of emotions my eyes won't be able to hold back...
ReplyDeleteChrista, you are an unbelievable woman! You are incredibly strong, but yet at the same time, you are phenomenally kind, gentle, and nurturing. You will make the most amazing mommy! Not in the slightest am I glad you have endured all the heartbreak and pain, that one person should never feel even in a whole lifetime, but I am extremely proud to have known the woman it has moulded you into today. I may not have walked in your shoes, as a matter of fact, I've only walked in my own, so I can't even imagine what you have gone through, but I can completely understand why you would have your heart guarded. I can only imagine what a wall you have put up, and the strength you've gained, but I pray it will slowly, brick by brick, day by day, come down and you can enjoy your journey with Miss Holly.
As for the biting your tongue.... Giiiiiiiirl, as I said, I have not walked in your shoes, I have not felt your exact pain, and even I find myself biting my tongue. It makes me sick to my stomach at times to see some women complaining every single chance they get about their inconvenience of pregnancy. With how it "cramps their style", complain about every little lb their miracle has added to them, how ugly their stretch marks are... The list goes on and on... But worst of all the ones that continue to not care enough about their precious baby to stop drinking, partying, smoking, using drugs, and after that baby is born, not given them the time of day. There are so many other women out there that, as you said, would give anything to have that morning sickness, those stretch marks, that back pain, etc that some take for granted as an "inconvenience". It really breaks my heart that there are so many women out there, for so many reasons, that cannot complete their dreams. But I am so incredibly happy that you are there with Baby Lind. You and Erik and Miss Holly are doing this... And making one amazingly loved little being that will have such amazing parents and family. I can't wait to hear more about baby Lind's progress, Holly's journey, and about those stubborn walls of yours coming down... And ultimately that amazing, miraculous moment of getting to hold baby Lind! Congrats, congrats, congrats!!!! I'm rooting for you all :)
I am not sure why I am just now seeing your comment but....Thank you! You're one of the most supportive people ever!!!!!
Delete