I am the face of infertility...

Today kicks off Infertility Awareness Week. 
To some it is just another week, to others this is your week to get the word out.. 

Did you know that Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed in 1 out of 8 people? 

Did you know insurance coverage for infertility is only available in 15 out of 50 states in America. Many lawmakers believe that including fertility treatments would raise the cost of insurance for everyone, when in fact, paying for fertility treatments may actually save money. When fertility treatment is not covered by insurance, couples may choose treatments that have a higher risk of triplets and other high-order multiples. IUI for example, is cheaper than IVF, but comes with a higher risk of multiples. 
Also, because IVF is expensive for couples, when insurance does not cover treatment, patients and doctors are more likely to transfer more embryos per cycle than they should. They do so in hopes of having success quickly, despite
 the higher risk of multiples. With single embryo transfer, many IVF patients can get pregnant with one baby at a time. However, because it may take a few cycles to achieve success, families are often unable or unwilling to give it a try when they are paying out of pocket.
I wish our lawmakers could see MY infertility bills and what we paid for 4 IVF cycles, which, by the way, are NOT refundable if IVF works on the 1st try. Oh, and that does NOT include the injections, which are also paid for out of pocket!!! )-:

    Myth: Infertility is a women’s problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: It’s all in your head! Why don’t you relax or take a vacation. Then you’ll get pregnant! (I HATE HEARING THIS) 

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don’t worry so much — it just takes time. You’ll get pregnant if you’re just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a “spontaneous cure rate” of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you’ll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God’s way of telling you that you two aren’t meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature’s way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I’ve lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis — it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. 

If someone has the courage to share with you their struggle with infertility, they've more than likely been through a long and difficult silence where they were afraid to share. The truth is, 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility so the only thing "different" about us is that we're open about our struggle.  If someone is confiding in you, they aren't looking for advice.  They likely have a team of well-paid MD's (that they're paying out of pocket for) giving them advice. They're seeking support!

So, just incase you didn't read the first part of this blog..

Maybe you do know that there is trouble in conception paradise. That doesn’t mean you have free reign to ask or say anything. Something you may think is a benign comment, might be incredibly hurtful when viewed through the infertility lens. So here’s a list of things you definitely shouldn’t say to a couple dealing with infertility or miscarriage:

1. “So when are you going to have kids?” In case you skipped over the first paragraph!
2. “I can’t believe you’re going to skip the holiday party. Even if there are going to be 12 pregnant women and 14 brand new babies. Suck it up!” Don’t use guilt. We feel guilty enough already, but sometimes we have to remove ourselves from situations that can be devastatingly painful. Just let us deal with it in our own way and try to understand.
3. “You’re so lucky that you all this free time! I swear I’m always… (insert complaint about your children here).”
4. “You’re so lucky to have all this couple time! I swear we never… (insert complaint about your children here).”
5. “You’re so lucky to still have your figure! I swear my… (insert complaint about your post-partum body here) sags.” Are we seeing a pattern yet?
6. “If you’re meant to have children, it will happen.” Same goes with invoking God or any higher power. Infertility is a disease. You wouldn’t tell someone with cancer that they were meant to have it, now would you?
7. “I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. Would you like to hold my adorable baby?” We may hold the baby, but we also may jostle her a lot so that she throws up all over your new boots.  You’ve been warned.
8. “Just relax and it will happen!” Two things will go through our minds. First, why don’t you try sex on a schedule and conception by petri dish and speculum and see just how relaxed you are. Second, “Seriously? Seriously!?”
9. “Why don’t you just adopt? Infertility treatments seem like such a waste when there are so many kids that already need good homes.” We may honestly answer you here. Adoption is expensive and not for everyone. Some people may not even meet the rigorous requirements of adoption agencies. So, we’ll probably tell you all this first. If you keep pushing, we may say “Why didn’t you adopt? Having a biological child seems like such a waste when there are so many kids that already need good homes.” I think you get the idea.
10. “It wasn’t a real baby yet anyway.” Umm…. do I have to say more? No matter how early the miscarriage, a couple is mourning the loss of hopes and dreams. Be sensitive. 
11.  Last but not least..  "Telling your infertile friend your pregnant.." 

After you've told her let her set the pace. Take your cues from her as to how much you should see each other and talk about anything, especially your pregnancy. She might need a leave of absence from you. Trust that she'll come back to you when she's feeling stronger. Please don't take it personally. Her infertility affects everyone, and that means you, too. You're one of many people whose lives are different because of it. Don't ignore her and don't forget her. Even as you give her space, send her notes or call occasionally to check on how she's doing, or to let her know you're thinking of her. Invite her to your baby shower, because being excluded sucks, but let her know that she doesn't have to come if it's too hard.

What should you say to an infertile couple during the holiday season? “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and I’ll be hoping (or praying) that your holiday wish comes true.”  We may cry, but I guarantee we will love you for it.

I encourage you to share my blog, get the word out, support us and share our fight...