Sunday, September 23, 2012

Just breathe..

Lately I haven't been feeling so positive about our journey. Frustrated, down, wanting to give up are some things that come to mind when I think about how I feel right now. I'm frustrated that my body won't allow us to follow our dreams. I'm frustrated that this dream isn't going anywhere...even after I thought we had a plan in the works. I understand things happen, I get that, but damn! I want to know when it's our turn. When do we get to feel that excitement and be filled with pure joy. I don't want to hear that it will happen when the time is right...I'm sick of hearing that.  I'm beyond ready to have a plan and take action. I want to start my shots and pills, I want to be a crazy hormonal woman for a month or so and as terrified as I am..I want to have my eggs retrieved(even if it requires anesthesia and needle into the lady parts..EEK!).


 I found this on a forum that I seem to be constantly reading..
I think it is amazing and SO perfect. 
A person can never understand until they've been through it..
for 5 1/2 long years..

Saturday, September 15, 2012

What not to say

I found this a few days ago and can't express how PERFECT it is!!!!!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my husband and I spent several years navigating the rather surreal world of infertility.  Tubes were checked, sperm were counted, hormone levels were graphed, ovulation tester sticks were peed upon, and powerful drugs were taken, both orally and by injection.  You know you've hit rock bottom when you say with great weariness, "Honey, we have to have sex tonight," and you both approach it as some kind of grim chore, not much more pleasant than cleaning out the litter box. 
So here, in no particular order, are:
 The Top Ten Things Not To Say To Someone Experiencing Infertility 
(1)  You need to relax!
The fact that rape victims can get pregnant puts this one to rest pretty quickly.  I can't think of too many situations that are more stressful than that.
Of course, I was experiencing anxiety over this, but telling me that I need to relax sounds like you're blaming me.  Infertility is a kind of illness, a malfunction of one of the body's systems, so please treat it that way.  You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that she'll get well if she will "relax", would you?
(2)  You should just adopt!
Adoption?  Why, I've never heard of that!  You say you can pay thousands and thousands of dollars, have every aspect of your life scrutinized, get put on a potentially years-long waiting list, and then possibly have the biological parent change her mind?  Sign me up!
Seriously, though, this one really irks me.  After several years of infertility testing and treatment, we were tapped out physically, emotionally and financially.  
It's not just some kind of checklist you go through
  1. Try naturally:  Check.  
  2. Go through testing:  Check.  
  3. Clomid and timed intercourse:  Check.  
  4. Injectables and IUI:  Check.  
  5. IVF:  Check.
  6. Adoption:  Check. 
and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child.  No.  No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve.
After spending years trying to become pregnant, considering adoption is a complete switching of gears, and it's just not always possible to do that. Sometimes you just want it all to be over.
(3)  You want kids?  Please, take mine!
Oh, I get it.  Raising kids is hard!  Thanks, but I think I already knew this. And besides, I don't want your kids.  They're funny looking and rude (I'm kidding - your children are adorable). Also, you don't really mean this.  You're just trying to be cute, and you're not succeeding. 
(4)  There's probably a reason for it.
Like, maybe, my child is going to be the next Hitler or Manson? Something like that?
Sometimes bad stuff just happens, and that's that.  At least that's the way I look at things.  Please respect that.
(5)  Oh, you're still young.  It'll happen.
I'm not that young and how do you know it'll happen?
You are not clairvoyant.  Don't give me false hope based on nothing more than your need to be "supportive". 
(6)  My cousin adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!
Well that's certainly a good reason to adopt, isn't it?  I'm also pretty sure this doesn't always work.  I can just hear the discussion now...
Kid:  Mom and Dad, why did you adopt me?
Mom and Dad:  Well, we really thought that, if we adopted a baby, then we'd get pregnant.
Kid:  But I don't have a brother or a sister.  So it didn't work, right?
Mom and Dad:  No it didn't.  But we've got you.  And you're the next best thing! (Kid is now in therapy.)
(7)  Have you tried accupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?
Certainly not all at the same time!  But, yes, believe me, we explored just about every avenue, be it based on medical science or on an old wives tale.  We even went to a Chinese herbalist, who kept talking about "the house of the baby" (I assume he was referring to my uterus), and I spent two weeks drinking some sort of dark brown liquid twice a day that tasted like a combination of tree bark and liver.  It made me want to throw up, which is the closest to pregnant I got with it!
(8)  I wish I had that problem!
So you're...what?  Hyperfertile?  There are things you can take for that, you know.  Now please go away before your water breaks on my carpet.
(9)  There are too many people in the world anyway.
Thank you Mr. Malthus!  I fully realize this, and I promise that, if I'm lucky enough to have one, I'll immediately kill myself so it'll all even out.
Besides, you should be talking to the Duggar family.  They live in Tontitown, Arkansas, and they probably have their own page in the phone book.
(10) I think that people who have infertility treatments are selfish.
I am actually torn on this one.  I did think it was kind of selfish when I was going through it.  Selfish for me - I'd never judge someone else for it.  It was also incredibly expensive and mostly not covered by insurance.  I know that medical resources are a finite commodity, so, yes, I was conflicted.
But is it only the treatment that's selfish, or the desire for a child in the first place?  Frankly, I thought they were both selfish (again, for me), but it seems like it's only the infertile person who is "lucky" enough to hear this one.
In situations like this, here's a good rule of thumb:  Not every opinion that is in your head needs to be voiced.

I know that people want to help, they want to be encouraging, and they want to say something.  I truly appreciate all of the people who listened, who cared, who prayed, and who felt some empathy with us.  I don't believe that any of the inappropriate things people may have said were said with malice or out of spite.  And believe me, I'm not perfect either, so I learned from my own "foot-in-mouth" experiences what not to say to other people going through this.  The same principles can be applied to any other situation where someone is suffering and you want to say something.  Acknowledge the pain, offer your support, and express your hope that things will get better.
If someone shares their infertility issues with you, I think the best thing to say is something like this, "I'm sorry you're going through this.  I'm sure it's difficult, and I hope things work out for you.  Let me know if there's anything I can do."

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

More appointments & a curve ball..

It feels like the last few weeks have been such a crazy whirlwind. This last weekend was my 6th trip to Portland in a row. I've been exhausted and am so glad I have a few weeks before having to make the trip again.

On Wednesday my baby girl, Noel, had to be put down unexpectedly when an unknown tumor burst in her belly causing her whole inside cavity to start filling with blood. It's been horrible. She was my baby, my princess. Knowing there was no time for me to drive to Portland to say goodbye to her hurt but I'd rather her not have to suffer any longer then she did. That old girl went through everything with my brother and I. From pulling my little brother on his skate board, to us dressing her up in our clothes, she went on road trips with us, became a farm dog, loved her grapes, apples and plums, running around the farm with the 4 wheeler or tractors...I could go on. It's been rough and I miss that sweet face dearly. She passed away 4 days shy of her 12th birthday. Oh, my sweet Noel, I'll forever miss you..

On Thursday we got to meet with our attorney for the first time. Extremely nice & informative lady! We went over over what the whole contract phase. Wrote down what we would want, what we wouldn't want and got tons more questions answered as well as a list of things we need to make a will, for both of us. Kinda freaky to think about since we are younger but it does make sense. People need to know what to do if we were to pass away while someone else is pregnant with our baby. I get it.

Friday through Sunday was another whirlwind in it self. My little brother got married on Saturday and besides taking their wedding photos, there was so many thing to do and help with. All in all it was a great wedding, tons of fun and nobody passed out!

Yesterday we got some not so great news. Let me start by saying that I have NO negative feelings towards my gestational carrier, none what so ever. Our GC has decided that this whole process is to much right now and will not fit well in her life currently. She has a busy job, 2 kids and basically is a single momma as her hubs works out of town. As you can imagine we were quite shocked. As hard as it is to take on that thought process, I completely understand. How could I not? She needs to do what's best for her and her family first and foremost. I'm sad she won't be carrying our child and I'm sad I won't get to continue this journey with her. She's been a great friend through the years though and I plan to continue being great friends with her and her matter what!

Where does that put us? Back at square one. We are back on the search for a baby oven, a stork, a gestational carrier..whatever you want to call it. I'm not completely sure where to start again but I hope we can find a willing soul to lend us her belly for 9 months.

Today we also had our psych eval...after the psychologist was an hour and 5 minutes late calling. THAT was annoying. We passed with flying colors though and were told that we both have a great open mind frame going into this/ Good to know. I just want a damn kid...I don't care how I get it at this point!