Surreal!

Life just feels surreal right now. There have been a few big hurdles we've gotten to jump over the last 2 weeks. Good hurdles!

Holly and Randy went to injection teaching and learned all the ins & outs of the meds & injections. We sat in the office for an hour after waiting almost 45 mins, it was a long appt! 

 

I started my birth control pills on Sunday. It's so weird that my eggs will be harvested yet I'm on bc. This is how mine and Holly's cycles get to be on the same page, using bc. Pretty interesting!

 

 

Last week Holly and I made a trip down to the pharmacy at OHSU to get her meds. It's was a grocery bag full of stuff! And she had quite the variety! 

 

Insurance had been giving us some hell about 2 different thing, most recently was Holly's birth year. On the application it was listed as she was born in 2012. Oops! Finally, after what seemed like MONTHS I got an email that they had approved her application. That was such a huge weight off my shoulders!!!!!

While Erik and I were in Portland week before last we also got to sign our contract. YAY! A few days later our attorney sent it off to Holly and randy. They signed it and sent it off on Wednesday. Another huge weight off my shoulders. Here they are...signing their lives away! Muahhaha! (-;

 This picture was taken while we were up at Doernbechers Children Hospital. My sweet nephew(Holly and Randy's son) had his cochlear implant placed in his little ear on Wednesday. He made it through surgery like a little champ and is recovering well. It just so happened they had a free notary at the hospital which worked great! January 18th they will be going back to have the implant turned on. I can't wait to see this little man's world change right before our eyes.

 

A few days ago Holly and I received an email from Vanessa with our protocol and how everything will map out over the next month. Holly started her shots last night actually! She sent me these pictures and added in that randy had to do the shot for her. Lol.

 

 

 Giving yourself a shot in the gut is a mind game. It took me quite a few minutes to convince myself to just suck it up and finally do it back when I was doing them. I'll start my lupron shots December 31st. Eeek! 

As of right now it's looking like my egg retrieval will be sometime between the 24th & 29th of January with transfer being 3, 5 or 6 days later. 

It's going to be here before we know it!!!!!

Insurance, provera, CONTRACT signing!

Geeze! I haven't updated this thing in almost a month! Truthfully, nothing has really been happening. We had a slight scare with the insurance that we are purchasing for Holly. They had denied her because of question asking if her employer would be paying or not. Obviously the answer is no, but we accidentally clicked yes when we were filling out the application. Luckily, all it took was a note saying that her employer will not be paying for the insurance. Hopefully all will be good now and we will have her covered by January 1st.

In other news, I've started my provera to induce a period and will be starting my birth control pills soon. After that its not long until shots begin and then its time for the egg extraction! Eek! I'll admit, I've really been trying not to think about that. From everything I've read most people are knocked out for that process. For whatever reason, ohsu doesn't not fully knock you out. They just  say that "you'll be comfortable". That scares me! ):

Oh! The good news! We signed our contract last night!!!! That did make me a bit more excited. Really, it's not that I am not excited, it's that I am soooo nervous. I have way to many thoughts in my head about what will happen if it all doesn't go as "planned". I'm just hoping that this one time in our journey can go as planned. Since we have our part of the contract signed, our attorney will now be sending it off to Holly for her to sign and then we are good to go!

 Here's to hoping!

Exciting email!

Last night I got an email from Vanessa, our ivf coordinator at ohsu, saying that she was waiting for Dr.P to answer a question and then she would be getting the rough draft of our plan together and sent to me. I anxiously waited all day and checked my email a gazillion times.

Finally, tonight I saw the message come in from Vanessa. So far all the FDA screening and bloodwork has come back good. What does that mean?! That means I start more meds and will be having my egg retrieval around the 13th of January!!!!!!! I got to that part in the email and tears filled my eyes! Even better.. The next part of the email.. Transfer will be around the 20th!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!!! I have been holding it back and trying to not get my hopes up but ...they're officially UP!!!

I've also been going back and forth with our attorney today and have finished our contract! I received the final draft this afternoon....thank goodness! Now we just have to get Holly to an attorney to review it all and we will be good to go!!

This all the sudden feels a ton more real!!

Butterflies and Rainbows...HA

Lately, I've been feeling the side effects of all the stress that goes into this whole journey. I feel a little selfish even saying that. People are always telling me to think positive.

The reality...after 5 1/2 years of failure & heart break month after month.. Being positive is easier said then done. I am positive that it is one of those things that you just don't understand unless you've been through it. When you are the one sitting back, fighting your body with everything you have to try and carry a baby, that same day you see that dreaded -negative- on your pregnancy test. In the same month you can read about multiple people being pregnant. Some on their 2nd or 3rd child, some that were frustrated because they tried for 3 "long" months and other lucky individuals that get preggo the first month they started trying. If one only knew what I would give to be one of those scenarios.

 Instead, I've sat back and spent countless hours in doctors offices, had countless amount of tests & procedures done, taken pills, given myself shots...all with no good outcome. I've been having some serious anxiety ever since I saw this come out of our bank account...

Yep, you read that correct. It's a harsh reality and honestly, scares the shit out of me! Yea, it's just money. But, that's a LOT of money. This isn't like putting a down payment on a house or a car where you KNOW you'll be getting whatever it is you just spent $23k on.  That's money that we don't get back if this all doesn't work. And, like I was explaining in another post, that's not even close to all of it!!! That lovely number...yea, it is what is creating the acne I currently have going on. It's acne that a damn 15 year old should have...not someone that is  in her mid 20's! The anxiety and the weight gain that this stress is causing is beyond frustrating, The lack of sleep I get every.single.night because my mind is constantly running a million miles each way..thinking about all the "what ifs"..it sucks!!!

Nothing makes my blood boil more then reading or hearing about people complaining about clothing being to small or being so tired all the time, etc. I get it, I fully understand that pregnancy is not a wonderful thing ALL the time. I often wonder if the ladies that are doing the complaining realize how many people would do almost anything to be in their shoes. I know I would!!!! I would GLADLY take morning sickness, more stretch marks, being exhausted and clothing not fitting...just to have a baby!!!

Think about it and be glad that you were blessed with a body that is able to carry your little miracles!!






Ps: yes, this is a jumbled up rant. Deal with it!

Busy!

Ahh so much has happened this week. I was at ohsu 3 different times in 4 days. On Tuesday Holly had her mock cycle testing after being on Estrace for 2 weeks. All went great at that appointment. They checked the lining of her uterus and all was good, after that was done they went on with the mock cycle, inserting the catheter to make sure all was ok for when we do the transfer. This is a picture of her uterus with the catheter inserted.

 After that they used saline to blow the uterus up to check for any abnormalities.

All was clear and the doctor said everything looked great. Holly had FDA screening/blood work done as well but that won't be back for a week or 2. She also went on Thursday for her psychological evaluation. All went well with that as well and we found out she's not legally a crazy lady! (-:

On Thursday I went in for my FDA screening, physical & questionnaire, ultrasound and bloodwork. My brother also had an appointment to get his FDA bloodwork done as well. My appointment started soooo incredibly awkward! So as the nurse was walking me to the room, I saw a guy at the end of the hall that looked familiar but I figured I had just seen him there at ohsu. So I'm waiting for the doctor to come in and next thing I know here comes the doctor...the same man I saw down the hall. It then hit me where I knew him from. He's a customer that comes out to my parents tree farm every year..and has for years. I remember his children being small and they're now teenagers! So as he walks in the room I couldn't hold it back and blurted out " well, this is awkward!" Lol! He then realized who I was and went on to assure me that everything was professional and confidential, obviously. Dr.L is super nice though. After all that was done I had to have blood drawn, ha! What an show that was. After 35 minutes and 11 pokes, they finally got their 7 viles of blood from me. Sheesh! The best part was when I was sitting there in between nurses trying to get my blood, randy walked in. He sat down and was going to have his blood drawn and happened to tell the nurse that he's know to pass out, they immediately took him to another room where he was able to lay down while getting his blood taken.Sure enough he also had no blood that wanted to be taken and had to have 6 pokes! We caused quite the commotion! Check out all my blood..

On Friday it was Erik's turn to head on in. He had to have the FDA bloodwork, questionnaire and physical. All went well with him and no problems.

Appointments, appointments and then some

It seems like every week there are new things coming up, more appointments being made and more money to be spent. It's all getting to be really stressful for me. It's always on my mind, I have a gazillion things constantly on my mind as of lately. Currently, I am trying to keep my excitement on the side line. I know a little part of me is letting the excitement slip out but for the most part I am trying to keep it on the sideline.

After today keeping my excitement on the sidelines is a bit harder. Holly is now to the point in her cycle that she can start the mock cycle. Tomorrow She starts on a pill called Estrace, which helps thicken her lining. She will take these pills for about 2 weeks and then will go in on the 6th to have her lining checked, a saline sonogram of her uterus done and blood for the FDA screenings. Then, on the 8th Holly will go in for her psych test. So, right now Miss Holly is scheduled out for the 30th of October with the MFM doc, the 6th with Dr.P and then 8th with the psychologist. Along with all these appointments, myself, my hubby and my brother all have to also get out FDA screenings done. Mine is scheduled for the 8th and hopefully Randy can go in with me at the same time to get his out of the way along with Erik too. At first it was weird to me that we all needed to do the screening but since Holly is my brothers wife, it makes sense that all partners need to be screened.

Earlier today I was sitting and calculating everything that goes into this whole process. I just don't understand how any of these places can even feel right about the amounts that they charge. It truly is outrageous! Just an initial 35 minute appointment with Dr.P is $450. That's all out of pocket because lovely health insurance doesn't cover ANYTHING before the GC is preggo. I was reading something the other day that said your average cost ivf with a GC can run upwards of 40 thousand dollars!! Although I could never put a price on a child...it is a bit insane! And, to think that going through an agency is upwards of 80k! Hard to believe that the only thing more an agency would have done for us is finding us a GC. So 40-ish more thousand dollars just to find us a match. What.the.hell! So glad to have a willing family member help us make our dreams come true.... lord knows 80k is not in our budget. Lets just hope that all the meds work well and on the first try! For the both of us the doc estimates those suckers to be about 10 thousand dollars!! Ugh!

With that being said, I think I'm gona have a car wash to raise money. I'll make signs... "Donate to the WE WANT A BABY FUND & THIS INFERTILE WOMAN WILL WASH YOUR CAR!!!" Lol!!!! KIDDING!

Stepping stones..

Well, another step down, a bunch more to go. On Tuesday my little GC and I went to her first appt with Dr.P at OHSU. All went well with him and then we were off to meet with Vanessa, our IVF coordinator. I absolutely adore that woman! She is the perfect person to be doing the job she does. She has such a bubbly personality and always seems to be very positive and alwayyyys helpful. While we were there Vanessa put in the referral for Holly(our GC) to go see the maternal fetal medicine doctor. This is another step in the process that has to be checked off before we can call Holly our official Gestational Carrier. Realistically, the MFM doc has no reason not to give Holly the OK. She's young, healthy and had a great previous pregnancy. That appt will be October 30th. Cross your fingers all goes well and we are in the clear to continue.

While meeting with Vanessa I asked what she thought about a possible transfer time line, assuming all goes well. At this point it's looking like a transfer could happen around the middle of January. January seems like its forever away. The holidays are almost here, I can only hope that makes time fly by and January will be here before I know. Adios 2012..hello 2013!!  Fingers crossed that my body responds well to all these medications and that estimated time can actually happen!!!

The next step, along with the MFM doctor, is for Holly to have her psychological evaluation/test done. I've heard it's a pretty intense evaluation but I am sure she will pass with flying colors. (: That appt will be scheduled soon and I can't wait to be checking that appt off the list.

I think that's about all I have to update on for now. (-:

October 15th..

1. 
   

   

   
   

   
   I am wearing a pair of shoes, They are ugly shoes, Uncomfortable shoes, I hate my shoes.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had a different pair....

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Some days my shoes hurt so bad I don`t think I can take another step. Yet I continue to wear them.

   
   

   
   

   I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

   
   

   To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable....

   
   

   
   

   
   

   To truly understand these shoes you need to have walked in them yourself,

   
   

   
   

   
   

   But once you put them on, you can never take them off.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

   
   

   Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

   
   

   Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think how much it hurts.

   
   

   NO woman deserves to wear these shoes.

   
   

   Yet because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

   
   

   These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

   
   

   They have made me who I am today,

   
   

   
   

   I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

   
   

   
   

   
   

   

   
   

   
   

   
   

My newest tattoo... This is how I remember my loss.

A glimmer of hope

I haven't updated this in a few weeks and figured it was time. I've had a secret up my sleeve and have kept it quite for a while now. After this last week I decided to let the cat out of the bag. If you've been following this roller coaster ride you know we've been on the hunt for another gestational carrier. After a ton of debating on which way to go in our search I think we've found a great option.

My little brother and sister in law got married a few weeks ago and right after the wedding my sister in law and I were talking about this whole process and how it all happens. Knowing that our former surrogate decided to not continue my sister in law threw out that she was more then willing to do it and has said it before that if I ever needed a surrogate that she would be my carrier. At first I really was not interested. All I could think about was the tension it would cause between my brother and I. I feel like my brother and I have come a long ways over the last year or so and don't want to mess that up. After talking to my brother more about all this I realized he was all in and understood what all of this meant. I sent my sister in law a quick text telling her and randy to really think about it, ask questions and do some research. A few days later she let me know that she still wants to do it, she wants to be my baby oven!!! Sooo exciting! We had them over to our house last weekend so we could all talk and answer any questions either of them might have had. We had a blast! Went fishing in the mountains and enjoyed the sunny weather in downtown walla walla.

So, as of right now, it's pretty well official that my sissy, Holly, will be carrying our baby!!!!!!!! Next week on the 16th her and I will head into OHSU for her to have the initial consultation with Dr.P and we will go from there!

I'm crossing my fingers that we are back on the positive road and will soon see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Bring on the shots, right Holly?!? Lol...

Just breathe..

Lately I haven't been feeling so positive about our journey. Frustrated, down, wanting to give up are some things that come to mind when I think about how I feel right now. I'm frustrated that my body won't allow us to follow our dreams. I'm frustrated that this dream isn't going anywhere...even after I thought we had a plan in the works. I understand things happen, I get that, but damn! I want to know when it's our turn. When do we get to feel that excitement and be filled with pure joy. I don't want to hear that it will happen when the time is right...I'm sick of hearing that.  I'm beyond ready to have a plan and take action. I want to start my shots and pills, I want to be a crazy hormonal woman for a month or so and as terrified as I am..I want to have my eggs retrieved(even if it requires anesthesia and needle into the lady parts..EEK!).

 I'M READY!!

 I found this on a forum that I seem to be constantly reading..

I think it is amazing and SO perfect. 

A person can never understand until they've been through it..

for 5 1/2 long years..

What not to say

I found this a few days ago and can't express how PERFECT it is!!!!!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my husband and I spent several years navigating the rather surreal world of infertility.  Tubes were checked, sperm were counted, hormone levels were graphed, ovulation tester sticks were peed upon, and powerful drugs were taken, both orally and by injection.  You know you've hit rock bottom when you say with great weariness, "Honey, we have to have sex tonight," and you both approach it as some kind of grim chore, not much more pleasant than cleaning out the litter box. 

So here, in no particular order, are:

 The Top Ten Things Not To Say To Someone Experiencing Infertility 

(1)  You need to relax!

The fact that rape victims can get pregnant puts this one to rest pretty quickly.  I can't think of too many situations that are more stressful than that.

Of course, I was experiencing anxiety over this, but telling me that I need to relax sounds like you're blaming me.  Infertility is a kind of illness, a malfunction of one of the body's systems, so please treat it that way.  You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that she'll get well if she will "relax", would you?

(2)  You should just adopt!

Adoption?  Why, I've never heard of that!  You say you can pay thousands and thousands of dollars, have every aspect of your life scrutinized, get put on a potentially years-long waiting list, and then possibly have the biological parent change her mind?  Sign me up!

Seriously, though, this one really irks me.  After several years of infertility testing and treatment, we were tapped out physically, emotionally and financially.  

It's not just some kind of checklist you go through

1. Try naturally:  Check.  
2. Go through testing:  Check.  
3. Clomid and timed intercourse:  Check.  
4. Injectables and IUI:  Check.  
5. IVF:  Check.
6. Adoption:  Check. 

and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child.  No.  No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve.

After spending years trying to become pregnant, considering adoption is a complete switching of gears, and it's just not always possible to do that. Sometimes you just want it all to be over.

(3)  You want kids?  Please, take mine!

Oh, I get it.  Raising kids is hard!  Thanks, but I think I already knew this. And besides, I don't want your kids.  They're funny looking and rude (I'm kidding - your children are adorable). Also, you don't really mean this.  You're just trying to be cute, and you're not succeeding. 

(4)  There's probably a reason for it.

Like, maybe, my child is going to be the next Hitler or Manson? Something like that?

Sometimes bad stuff just happens, and that's that.  At least that's the way I look at things.  Please respect that.

(5)  Oh, you're still young.  It'll happen.

I'm not that young and how do you know it'll happen?

You are not clairvoyant.  Don't give me false hope based on nothing more than your need to be "supportive". 

(6)  My cousin adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!

Well that's certainly a good reason to adopt, isn't it?  I'm also pretty sure this doesn't always work.  I can just hear the discussion now...

Kid:  Mom and Dad, why did you adopt me?

Mom and Dad:  Well, we really thought that, if we adopted a baby, then we'd get pregnant.

Kid:  But I don't have a brother or a sister.  So it didn't work, right?

Mom and Dad:  No it didn't.  But we've got you.  And you're the next best thing! (Kid is now in therapy.)

(7)  Have you tried accupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?

Certainly not all at the same time!  But, yes, believe me, we explored just about every avenue, be it based on medical science or on an old wives tale.  We even went to a Chinese herbalist, who kept talking about "the house of the baby" (I assume he was referring to my uterus), and I spent two weeks drinking some sort of dark brown liquid twice a day that tasted like a combination of tree bark and liver.  It made me want to throw up, which is the closest to pregnant I got with it!

(8)  I wish I had that problem!

So you're...what?  Hyperfertile?  There are things you can take for that, you know.  Now please go away before your water breaks on my carpet.

(9)  There are too many people in the world anyway.

Thank you Mr. Malthus!  I fully realize this, and I promise that, if I'm lucky enough to have one, I'll immediately kill myself so it'll all even out.

Besides, you should be talking to the Duggar family.  They live in Tontitown, Arkansas, and they probably have their own page in the phone book.

(10) I think that people who have infertility treatments are selfish.

I am actually torn on this one.  I did think it was kind of selfish when I was going through it.  Selfish for me - I'd never judge someone else for it.  It was also incredibly expensive and mostly not covered by insurance.  I know that medical resources are a finite commodity, so, yes, I was conflicted.

But is it only the treatment that's selfish, or the desire for a child in the first place?  Frankly, I thought they were both selfish (again, for me), but it seems like it's only the infertile person who is "lucky" enough to hear this one.

In situations like this, here's a good rule of thumb:  Not every opinion that is in your head needs to be voiced.

---

I know that people want to help, they want to be encouraging, and they want to say something.  I truly appreciate all of the people who listened, who cared, who prayed, and who felt some empathy with us.  I don't believe that any of the inappropriate things people may have said were said with malice or out of spite.  And believe me, I'm not perfect either, so I learned from my own "foot-in-mouth" experiences what not to say to other people going through this.  The same principles can be applied to any other situation where someone is suffering and you want to say something.  Acknowledge the pain, offer your support, and express your hope that things will get better.

If someone shares their infertility issues with you, I think the best thing to say is something like this, "I'm sorry you're going through this.  I'm sure it's difficult, and I hope things work out for you.  Let me know if there's anything I can do."

More appointments & a curve ball..

It feels like the last few weeks have been such a crazy whirlwind. This last weekend was my 6th trip to Portland in a row. I've been exhausted and am so glad I have a few weeks before having to make the trip again.

On Wednesday my baby girl, Noel, had to be put down unexpectedly when an unknown tumor burst in her belly causing her whole inside cavity to start filling with blood. It's been horrible. She was my baby, my princess. Knowing there was no time for me to drive to Portland to say goodbye to her hurt but I'd rather her not have to suffer any longer then she did. That old girl went through everything with my brother and I. From pulling my little brother on his skate board, to us dressing her up in our clothes, she went on road trips with us, became a farm dog, loved her grapes, apples and plums, running around the farm with the 4 wheeler or tractors...I could go on. It's been rough and I miss that sweet face dearly. She passed away 4 days shy of her 12th birthday. Oh, my sweet Noel, I'll forever miss you..

On Thursday we got to meet with our attorney for the first time. Extremely nice & informative lady! We went over over what the whole contract phase. Wrote down what we would want, what we wouldn't want and got tons more questions answered as well as a list of things we need to do...like make a will, for both of us. Kinda freaky to think about since we are younger but it does make sense. People need to know what to do if we were to pass away while someone else is pregnant with our baby. I get it.

Friday through Sunday was another whirlwind in it self. My little brother got married on Saturday and besides taking their wedding photos, there was so many thing to do and help with. All in all it was a great wedding, tons of fun and nobody passed out!

Yesterday we got some not so great news. Let me start by saying that I have NO negative feelings towards my gestational carrier, none what so ever. Our GC has decided that this whole process is to much right now and will not fit well in her life currently. She has a busy job, 2 kids and basically is a single momma as her hubs works out of town. As you can imagine we were quite shocked. As hard as it is to take on that thought process, I completely understand. How could I not? She needs to do what's best for her and her family first and foremost. I'm sad she won't be carrying our child and I'm sad I won't get to continue this journey with her. She's been a great friend through the years though and I plan to continue being great friends with her and her family..no matter what!

Where does that put us? Back at square one. We are back on the search for a baby oven, a stork, a gestational carrier..whatever you want to call it. I'm not completely sure where to start again but I hope we can find a willing soul to lend us her belly for 9 months.

Today we also had our psych eval...after the psychologist was an hour and 5 minutes late calling. THAT was annoying. We passed with flying colors though and were told that we both have a great open mind frame going into this/ Good to know. I just want a damn kid...I don't care how I get it at this point!

2nd appoitment

Yesterday was another exciting appointment. My potential baby oven got to go meet my wonderful doctor at OHSU. We got more questions answered, forms filled out and are continuing down this road. The next order of business is having counseling appts done, then Baby Oven has to be seen by the maternal fetal medicine doctor and have more testing done. After that she will do a quick mock cycle and be put on some estrogen to see how her lining grows. Once that is over we will both be put on birth control and will begin shots while our cycles are being synched! At this point, if all goes well, it's looking like a transfer could take place as soon as the end of November or early December. *Fingers Crossed*

 Next week I will meet with my attorney to get the contract started. Once we get that cleared and handed over to OHSU we will have a better idea of when the transfer will take place. I am so excited! After yesterday's appt it all feels SOOO much more real. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have such an amazing friend that would offer to do this for us. It's going to be a long road but so worth it in the end. (-:

Our story..

Our story began almost 5 1/2 years ago. We married in May of 2007 with the hopes of having children one day. Both of us were young and healthy, I had just turned 21 and my husband was 26. The only underlying issue was that I did not have a regular cycle. Sometimes I would go months and months without one, other times it would be perfectly timed for a few months in a row. In my teens i always thought it was great..I never was one of those girls complaining each month about being bloated and crampy. Little did I know that would bite me in the butt later on in life. In January of 2008 I had no been feeling the greatest and just assumed I would be starting my cycle soon. I got up the morning of the 14th, went to work still not feeling well and seemed to be getting worse as the days went on. (Keep in mind, these next few days are such a blur) At some point near the middle of the day I remember taking a quick bathroom break because something just wasn't right. Boy was I ever surprised to see what I saw. Bright red, and seemed to be an almost constant stream. Horrified, I left work and headed straight to the ER in Hillsboro. I fully knew this hospital didn't have the best track record but knew I needed to be seen and NOW. I still regret going to that place and hate having to even drive by it when I'm in town. When I arrived at the ER they took my back quite quickly due to the amount of severe pain I was in. Major cramps in the abdomen, clear down my legs almost into my calves. I was alone, loosing a ton of blood, couldn't get a hold of my husband or my mom. I remember them sticking me to get blood a few different times and then...I remember them wheeling in the ultrasound machine. I remember thinking, "are these people idiots, I don't need an ultrasound!" As they started the ultrasound they asked tons of questions, none of which I really remember. At some point a doctor came in and stared at the screen with the ultrasound tech. The look on their faces was blank, no emotion whatsoever. They left and after what seemed like days came back in my little stall and stood there to tell me that this bleeding was caused by the miscarriage I was currently having. WHAT?!? There's no way, I haven't had a cycle in months and months! I'll never forget how unsympathetic this doctor was. He went on to tell me so many things, none of which I was ever able to wrap my head around because I was beyond shocked. Not only was I in shock, I was also loosing a 17 wk 3 day old baby that had been inside me for who knows how long. How could a doctor ever let a woman make any decision right after she's had the shock of her life!? The next thing I knew I was walking out of that ER, pills in hand and was driving to my own home. My paperwork said that I denied any more care and was released to go home and have my miscarriage on my own. WHAT!? After this I have pretty much no recollection of anything other then going home, laying on my back on my bed, calling my husband and finally being able to talk to him. He was surprised beyond belief, I was bawling, he still in shock, etc. The next 3 days I literally remember nothing ..which is probably a good thing. I'm told my parents sat there at our home with us all evening, calls were made, texts were sent. After 3 days, it happened. My baby was born, the most precious, beautiful, innocent little human, 10 perfect toes and 10 perfect fingers. At this point I remember crawling down the stairs and my husband carrying me to the car. Our baby was wrapped in a blanket off our bed and taken with us to the hospital. That's about the only memory I have of my baby. No pictures, clothing, burial, or grave to visit...nothing. Not even an explanation of why this happened! After a few months we decided we wanted on the baby train but i still was not having a normal cycle. I went in for tons of testing all coming back clear except for 1 thing. My thyroid. It was so far off from a normal level that the doctors didn't even know how I had been functioning normal. I also later found out I had pcos. Damn ovaries!! After more testing I was started on provera to induce a cycle and went on to try 5 rounds of clomid. 50mg all the way up to 200mg and then having over stimulated ovaries. Ouch! We had no luck and decided to take a break for a few short months. In the meantime my husband got a job offer in eastern, Washington at the washing state penitentiary. So we packed up and went east. It took a bit to get settled and established with a new doctor but was finally set up with a wonderful doctor. I can't rave about him enough! After a few more round of clomid with him, he decided it was best and went to see and endocrinologist. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know..yea, I had a thyroid disease, yea, it sucks and is a pain in the butt especially when you're trying to have a child. After seeing her and not learning to much my doc decided it was time to go to a specialist. I have a choice of Portland, Spokane or Boise. Portland area is home, so off to ohsu we went where I soon met Dr.P. Another great, highly intelligent doctor...that was not covered by insurance and was extremely spends. Boo! Time to suck it up. Went through tons of testing with him and he agreed with all the previous diagnosis. After hearing at I wasn't responding to clomid anymore it was time to move on to bigger and better things. Keep in mind we are about 4 1/2 years into trying at this point. Next was femera. Woohoo! Not nearly as horrible of side effects the clomid had AND I responded. I never actually ovulated on my own but eventually went on to use the femera and trigger shot at the same time. Although follies were there, they just were not quite getting big enough. After a while I stopped responding to the femera. What's new! Another failed attempt. At the point it was time for another short break. My body needed it, as did my mind. Vacation was planned and after that we would start up again with the next step. Choosing that next step was the hard part. Before the last break I was told that ivf was my last chance at carrying my own child. Yikes! That news pulled on e ol' heart strings and really made it a dark world for a good while. Here I am, 25 years old, wanting a baby more then anything, being eaten away knowing my husband has the same desire and I can't fulfill that. My world was dark, but I tried so hard to keep bright and positive. I wanted friend and friend have perfectly healthy babies, photographed live births and then newborns. As much as I wanted to be happy for these people, it was a horrible feeling knowing I would never get to leave the hospital with baby. Fast forward a few months, vacation was over and we are back on the baby wagon. Now what?? Adopt, ivf, surrogate? Hmmm!!!! Adoption was our initial thought and so the research began. My husband was a bit more leery of adoption then I was and seemed a bit more picky. This was a worry for me and I knew it lessened our chances of adopting in a timely manner. One morning I woke up and decided..surrogacy! This is what I want..started researching. Wait, a gestational carrier? It can be me and my husband but cooks in the gestational carriers belly. Great idea, I love that thought! Onward with more research and calls began with my doctor. In the mean time I had been having a conversation with another friend who had unexplained infertility for 3 years. She knew what I was going through and we had been at each others side while we were both going through it together. She finally got pregnancy with an adorable little man and later on was able to have another her first month off birth control. As my friend and I were chatting about this new venture, she dropped the bomb and asked if I was asking her to be my GC(gestational carrier). Well, no, I wasn't but she definitely had been in my mind when I was thinking about potential gc's I could use. To this date I have had 5 amazing friends step forward and offer to be our "stork"!!!!! We are so beyond excited and feel beyond blessed to finally have a little positivity in our lives with this process. I went in to ohsu last and began my testing, my potential GC will be going in next week to meet with my doctor and get the ball rolling. As you can tell, it's been a long ride but we are hopeful that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Here's to a possible 2013 baby L!!!! (: